considering i have nothing really to review or talk about, but still have the desire to keep the sword sharp, i’ve decided to rewind and do the thing i didn’t do in my original introduction: a self-obsessed doctrine of my opinions. i’ve lengthened it. i’ve made it as controversial as i can, in as much as this group’s concerned. and, completely to balls end, with no reluctance, these are my Beliefs. at least Volume 1 of my Beliefs. and, luckily, they’re all numbered for easy perusal.

  1. “The Wire” is the best television show ever made. Taking into consideration what kind of lightning was caught in that bottle, I feel comfortable saying it will be the “best show ever made” indefinitely. Even when it misstepped, it was the smartest, best written narrative ever broadcast. The seasons, best to worst: 3 (stringer bell), 4 (marlo, bodies & the kids), 2 (sobotka, the greek & the docks), 1 (jimmy mcnulty & the one that started it all), 5 (proving all the pieces matter). And, worst is only relative; one can only compare “Wire” episodes and seasons to other “Wire” episodes and seasons. Otherwise, it’s no contest.
  2. Two-Face is alive, regardless of what the Nolan brothers wrote in the script and what the “Dark Knight” novelization states as Two-Face’s demise. The script is the first draft of the final cut, and many intentions fall by the wayside by the time the switch is flipped on a projector. Given the particular shots and inserts used in said final cut, the Batman franchise’s love for twists and faking out the audience, and Nolan’s dedication to representing an accurate Batman universe…Two-Face is, until further notice, alive and…not well.
  3. The makers of the “_____ Movie” franchise think hilarious jokes really begin with taking a character from a popular movie’s TRAILER and dropping a large object on them, or hitting them with a car, or re-contextualizing them in mind-numbing mimicry and impressions. Sorry, no. Results just came in, that’s not hilarity. It’s not even parody. It’s the Wrestlemania equivalent of burlesque satire. It’s the no-cal alternative to genius.
  4. There are bad movies and crap movies. Bad movies have an intention, either to entertain purely (camp) or to complete the simple goal of finishing the production. Just by wrapping, regardless of the final product, some would label that a success. Bad movies can have great dialogue, characters, scenes, style…even a great ending that leaves you with a feeling “hey, that wasn’t as bad as i thought it’d be.” Bad movies don’t have to hit all the points of what defines film art — in fact, it’s better if they don’t hit any at all — but they all HAVE to be entertaining. Otherwise, they are crap movies. Crap movies are rehashed, mundane, xerox copies of other movies that did everything better. The biggest crime a filmmaker can commit is mediocrity. If someone can say “oh, that’s just like [plug-in better movie], but not as good,” then you’ve failed. Next project. NEXT project. The least a film should be is not boring.
  5. I can’t wait for “Mercenaries 2” to come out. It looks like it’s going to be a helluva experience. Until then, “Bionic Commando: Rearmed” and “Braid” are rocking my shit. Check them out on XBOX Live.
  6. Keanu Reeves is not a good actor. Stop trying to convince us, Hollywood. Either you start making a bunch of Bill & Ted sequels or you assassinate that guy. Seriously.
  7. Will Ferrell has been losing his golden edge. Why does it feel that “Semi-Pro” and “Step Brothers” are only ghosts of that arrogant spirit of Ferrell’s comedy, and “Blades of Glory” is an oft-overlooked gem? Story, that’s why. There’s no point in having 90-120 minutes of silly, nonsensical frat comedy, if it has no real story skeleton to follow. Just because a movie has some great parts does not make it a good movie (i.e. “Dewey Cox,” “Pineapple Express,” “The Incredible Hulk”). Since when are the parts more important than the whole? Yet, “Blades of Glory” is panned by critics, when it’s one of the funniest, best paced and shot comedies Ferrell’s ever done.
  8. If i were going to do a comedy, i’d want it to be like “In Bruges,” down to the tone of the whole piece.
  9. Network television cannot hold a candle to cable TV, particularly HBO. There is no way in the foreseeable future that a genius character piece, say, with deliberate pacing, is going to get green lit for ad-space broadcast. There’s great stuff, sure, but it’s 95% plot-driven week-to-week bite-size morsels. Possible outcome: filler episodes, bad episodes, bad plot twists, bad character arcs, etc. Still, give me serial and i can be happy (i.e. ❤ you “Lost”), but don’t think you’re “The Wire” or the TV equivalent of “There Will Be Blood” in my heart. You’re good going down, but our relationship is on a progress report basis. I might have to eventually cheat on you with a co-worker; might not. Biggest offenders, failing me since 1983: Benson, A-Team, 227, Macgyver, Living Single, Ghost Writer, St. Elsewhere, New York Undercover, 24, Dr. Quinn, Grace Under Fire, Home Improvement…nah nah, i’m joking. Some of those fit the bill, but mainly i just wanted to list shows i could think of.
  10. I love boobies. i’m not going to lie. i could play with them all day.

that’ll do for now. as a first chapter in my doctrine, i think we’re off to a good start.

Next Time: back to reviews and maybe a little exploration of one of the best eras for movies, the 1970s.